Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
