There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
