Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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