I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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