i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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