oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
