this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
