Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
