if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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