I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
