I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
