I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
