I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
