Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
