remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
