This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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