she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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