I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
