Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Enjoy the penises
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
