Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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