Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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