Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
