my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
