I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Randomize
