and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
