Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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