the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
