i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
