Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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