You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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