Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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