I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
