im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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