nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Dick very happy bro
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
