i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
