Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
