I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
