the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
