No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
