dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
