I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
