Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
i believe in u and ur pee
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
