He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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