legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
