Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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