You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
