one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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