I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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