dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
