One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
